When my dream fly to the world

I used to have a pair of very strong and beautiful wing. It is able to bring me to every where. It gives me hope and dream. I used to be very happy and lived in fantasy world. My world was full of flowers and colours. I wished to go to every part of the world and collect peoples' story. I believe everyone have their own story. It is the memory when they are still alive and being a human. My dream was flying around.

But now, because of my greedy, my wing is hurt. I have been captured by my greediness. I cannot fly again. I can only stay in the same place doing nothing. Feeling life is meaningless.

Now, I am trying hard to make myself recover from my illness. At least I am still alive and there is so many things I can to do. Please do not give up. Appreciate every moment being a human. While this body still can function, I want to leave as much memory as I can to this world. There are still many parts of the world I have never been before. I want to know more about my world. So to fulfill my dream, I will never ever give up until my dream fly to the world, until I know the reason why I am here, my existence.

回忆

九岁那一年，自认看遍了童话故事。
十岁那一年，写了不少的童话故事。
十一岁那一年，闲逛于镇上的书店，认识了漫画。
十二岁那一年，创作了漫画。
十三岁那一年，透过漫画，爱上了芭蕾。
十四岁那一年，加入了槟城武术队。
十五岁那一年，开始了芭蕾教育。
十六岁那一年，成了槟城体操队的一员。
十七岁那一年，离开了体操队。
十八岁那一年，因压力，开始发胖，什么活动都没参加。
二十岁那一年，重新开始学芭蕾舞。
二十一岁那年，在大学里度过。
二十三岁那年，离开了槟城， 到雪兰莪学晶片设计，到aurora 芭蕾舞学校学习芭蕾舞。
二十四岁这年，开始了第一分正式的工作，也正以芭蕾舞教师的方向走去。

努力

今天，又到了上小提琴课的日子。老实说，我真的没什么练习到，被老师说教，真得很不甘心。其实，这也不能怪她，练了这么多年的小提琴，没什么进步到，要是我与这样的学生，我也会教的不爽。我老是提醒自己，一定要坚持每天练习，背好每一首曲子。但是，每天放工，就累得懒惰练习。我真的有很深的愧疚感， 我时常在怀疑我究竟是否喜欢小提琴，为何我还坚持学下去，如果不练习就只是浪费时间跟金钱而已。

想来我学了很多东西，就是没有一样精通。可以想到的都是老师们无奈的脸庞。天下没有不劳而获的事情，就算是天才也需要不断地练习，跟何况是我如此平凡的人。芭蕾舞是如此，小提琴是如此，语言也是如此。工作也要提起劲来。这样才会有一番作为，再向前走之前，还是应该反省反省，不要一昧的冲。

才华与梦想

最近又想起了小时候的梦想。感觉我人生中，每一个阶段的梦想都不一样。念小学的时候， 就很喜欢写故事，尤其是童话故事。总是有好多好多奇奇怪怪的想法冒出来，灵感犹如泉水般源源不绝。写过了很多故事，如今已忘了写过什么了。其后，又迷上了漫画。

以前的我，颇像野孩子，老是爱到处流浪，或者该说爱冒险，所以晒得像木炭一样黑。可是因为这样我的人生体验才这么的丰富。十岁那年，我已经是一只小书虫了，喜欢逛书店买书。从家里走了二十分钟才到达。有一天，我在书架上看到一本书，封面很美，喜欢画画的我，自然不会放过，把他买了下来。后来我才知道那是漫画，美少女战士。然后我又开始画漫画了。

曾经想过，长大之后要成为画家，漫画家，那时候，受爸爸的影响，喜欢中国文学，也爱作诗。那时候的自己，才华横溢，自信满棚，现在的我就很羡慕那时候的我，不知道挫折为何物。随着年纪的增长，那些梦想渐渐被遗忘。每一次听见“红蜻蜓”这首歌，都觉得有无限的感慨.

到了中学三年级，开始觉得江郎才尽了。我想大概是我迷上了芭蕾舞吧。不再提笔写作。
想不透，为什么我的才华渐渐消失了。最近，读到了一个美国作家的受访文章，说到写作，只要读，读，读，读多了，就会有很多新点子跑出来，写作也得心应手多了。对他来说，没有所谓的天才。想想也时，天才如果没有努力，也无法出人头地。就算是莫扎特也要勤于练习，才能拥有这么多巨作。上天其实也是公平的，一个人不能太贪心，梦想太多，最后也是一事无成。

长大了，变得越来越现实。以前最受不了铜臭味，现在却不得不向现实低头。芭蕾舞是一个昂贵的梦想，也是最难实现的梦想。然而，我却为芭蕾舞执著到了现在。到现在还不想放弃，对于芭蕾的欲望越来越强。

可笑的事，拥有这么多梦想的我，现在却是一名需要理性思考的工程师。上个星期，连追了好几部电视剧。有意不让我体会到，即使生命只有一瞬间，曾绽放过就不会有遗憾。从以前就在想，希望可以创作出感动世人的作品。对我来说，只有艺术才能令人感动。比如莫扎特， 英年早逝，但是却为后人赞叹，若我能如此，心已足矣。生命不在乎长短，只在乎是否有意义。就应为如此，我在工作中常常感到迷惘。艺术的路是那么的坎坷，我是否能承受呢，我要的是什么，这也是我必须考虑的一个问题。因为，青春短暂，我已不能再浪费生命了。

有一个名人也说过，人生最冒险的事就是你从来不冒险。我自以为我老是爱选最难走的路来走。其实不是的，我并没有自己想得那样勇于冒险。我选择的是，可以让我的生活安逸的路。

目前还在为生活奋斗中。。。。。该何去何从呢？

随意

1。 好久都没有以华文来写文章了。自上大学以来，用的都是马来文和英文，后来又热衷于外语，如西班牙文和日文，都快忘了小时候学华文的感动了。以前最爱中国文学，爱古诗，热衷于写作。故事总是很自然的从指尖流露出来。可谓是左右逢源，而今却灵感不再，连中文该怎么写都快忘了。真是不该啊。

2。 最近，因为假期，追了两部动画，恶作剧之吻和梦色蛋糕师。好向往他们的生活，然后发现动画的主角们，之所以可以成功，都是靠恒心跟毅力，而这些正是我所缺少的。我缺少了成功最重要的元素，总是埋怨生活太过单调无聊，其实只要改变想法，就会发现身边有很多机会，世界也会更开阔。思想改变了，生活自然而然的也会跟着改变。让单调的生活奏起充满色彩的交响诗章吧！不要让将来的自己后悔过去。不要再把自己关在狭小的牢笼里，展开翅膀飞向世界各地吧！

3。 看着这些动画，旧时的梦想又开始蠢蠢欲动了。音乐，舞蹈，艺术，故事， 想透过这些将感动带给大家。我认为不能再为自己的梦想找借口了，时间不留任。我不能太贪心，追求太多，会迷失方向，努力使自己成为更加完美的人吧。浪费了二十多年的时间了，不能再浪费下去了。加油吧，一定要成为最耀眼的主角。

迷惘

For past three days, company had sent me to Eastin Hotel for PCB design certification. All the participant there have at least more than 3 years in PCB design, I am the only one that do not have PCB design experience. Instructor is from my previous training centre, she taught me analog chip layout before. She also feel surprise that I come for this training. She asked me why I did not continue my IC design. I cannot answer her, actually I am not keen in searching IC design job previously. Of course, I cannot tell her that. I found that I am really ridiculous, because always jump from 1 thing to the other thing which is totally new. Will my life continue like this? Always learning? I feeling sad, I failed the exam, do not know what will my boss say about this. What is the problem with me? Although past three days, I was very happy, can eat variety of food in hotel. I already put on a lot of weight this week. Argh, what will my ballet teacher say again? Do not have certification for PCB, what will they say. Haih, do not want to think about it anymore.

Yesterday's the whole course finished after we review our result, and I went to Queensbay mall around 3 pm. I went to Borders to look at dance magazine, dancing times and pointe magazine. I found that my passion toward ballet more than everything else. Another question come to me, ballet is my forever dream, as I grow older, the chance to fulfill my dream will be lesser. Will I regret someday for not trying to pursue my dream. I started to feel worry about this. I saw an advertisement on diploma and degree in ballet at dance magazine malaysia. And I see this is a chance for me to advance my ballet. But the entry requirement must be between 16-25 years old. Oh gosh, I am 24 now. I only have 1 year to try it. I really worry about it.

My previous plan is work-> save money->futher study in ballet-> ballet teaching. As they have age limit, then I need to change my plan. I want to go to Nan yang school of fine art in Singapore to study ballet. Reality come to my mind, I need to pay my car loan, PTPTN, insurans, and need to pay my accomodation, fees if i want to study there. Reality is cruel. Although my mom said she can withdraw her Central Provident Fund and sell all her share and continue working for me. But I really do not want to use her money. It will really cost a lot of money.

Further more, I just got into my company, it is not good for me to leave current company so soon. Many obstacle that block my way to fulfill my dream. Another thing is I only have passion but I don't have talent in ballet. Will they accept me, that is another thing. I am still thinking whether I should try to apply and go for audition or not..........

Sometimes, you miss the chance, you will never have second chance for it....really need to think about it.